Introduction
Life is not the same after a person has left the military. Many years have been spent serving the country at home and overseas. Military personnel have built solid comraderies with their closest friends in the military but now their career in the military has ceased due to retirement, injury or simple resignation. Life dramatically changes for those personnel transitioning from a military career to civilian life. Transitioning from military service is a complicated process for most of these people. Transitioning to civilian life can be incredibly challenging, as it often involves overcoming significant emotional and psychological stress.
We spend time understanding how military personnel can find true love after finishing their military career. I recently sat down and spoke to Tim. Tim, at 50 years of age, has devoted most of his life in the Australian Navy. He has recently returned from a joint exercise in the Middle East promoting maritime security on board HMAS Toowoomba and has now retired from the navy. Tim is living in Sydney and is slowly adjusting to his new civilian life.
He is now facing the biggest challenge in his personal life – returning to civilian life. Civilian life is enormously different from what we all appreciate as normal life. There are significant physical changes to how we dress, what time we have breakfast, moving around the city and so forth. Apart from the physical changes to a military person’s life, there are the mental and emotional challenges that must be confronted and overcome.
Do Long Distance Relationships Work whilst your onboard the ship?
We asked Tim about the endurance of long-distance relationships whilst positioned in the Middle East. Tim had on many occasions tried to develop long distance relationships with many single women throughout Sydney. The biggest encounter that he met was that there could not be constant communication due to the lack and access to internet facilities onboard the ship. Sending SMS to single women was the most appropriate form of communication because there was no guarantee that you could arrange video calls.
Most single women around my age or younger do not want to date a military person for many reasons. Single women believe that many of us military personnel are fake and just seeking money from the women. Not true! Other single women do not want to become attached to military personnel due to the non-commitment of when they are returning to Australia or if they will come back alive to Australia. The women do not want to be burdened with this extra emotional stress which is I accept unconditionally. I do not believe that long-term relationships work whilst you are in the navy.
How are you coping with the transition to civilian life?
The return to civilian life after the navy has been a challenge for me. To me, I was lost. It felt like I was in an entirely new world. I felt out of place being in different new surroundings for which I was not familiar with. The navy teach you that you have a purpose and routine, but civilian life does not have a purpose nor is there a routine unless you develop your own routine.
What is the biggest problem that you face now?
The biggest problem is loneliness. In military life, there was little time to feel lonely. You would still experience the emptiness and loneliness but not to the extent that I feel now. You were constantly busy with tasks to be completed. I was constantly surrounded by my mates that were there giving you support. Therefore, surrounded by mates and constantly being busy took your mind away from feeling lonely.
Today, it is a different story. Being back in civilian life, the loneliness is strong. It’s my feeling of sadness and sorrow for myself which eats away at me. You can let the loneliness take over your mind and body or do something about the loneliness. Some people enjoy the loneliness, but I yearn for the feeling of being wanted and being loved. I am living with my parents who are there to support me. My parents take away some of that loneliness feeling but it is not the same feeling as if you had a partner to share your life with every day.
What are your next steps to finding true love?
I asked Tim to outline his next steps towards searching for a partner who will be his next romance. Tim stated that he must fully transition to civilian life before attempting to find a new partner for the future. My transitioning to civilian life means firstly to removing the excess emotional and mental baggage that I have been holding onto. I must clear my mind of the bad memories and experiences that I gained during my career in the navy. The clearing of the mind can be challenging. If the emotional and mental status of my mind is not balanced, it will impact upon me finding a future partner. Thankfully, I do not have many emotional scars to heal.
My second step is to adapt to a personality change. Your personality in military life is completely different to normal life. You are taught to be more aggressive and less friendly to those people outside of your group. These two traits are not required in civilian life. I must reshape my personality to be more loving and kinder, otherwise a relationship will not work.
My third step is to rent a unit or apartment to give me a foundation for where I am to live. Presently, I am living with my parents and this situation does not present well when trying to attract a companion. I believe that the renting of a place will enable me to convince women that I am secure and that I do not have to rely upon my parents for accommodation.
The fourth step is to acquire a new job as the retirement money is starting to dwindle. Fortunately, my role in the navy as engineer will enable me to find a similar position relatively quickly (I hope). Securing employment will boost my confidence as I shall be receiving a source of regular income that will enable me to be able to pay my rent, buy food and clothing plus to intermingle socially.
Once that I have conquered the steps above, I can think clearly about developing my social life. It is important to have the foundations of civilian life laid down to offer security for myself and a future partner.
What will make the perfect partner (well, almost perfect) for you?
I asked Tim to lay out the characteristics of a good partner that he would be comfortable with. I think that I need to find my future woman who accepts me for who I am and who I have been. My past is my past and that does not necessarily reflect the man that I am now. The woman must accept that I have been in the navy and have experienced a different life to her as a civilian. She must be strong so that she can support me through my good and bad times. She must truly love me and be able to demonstrate her love for me in action. I have found that too many people can easily say that they love you but there is no action to show that they love you. She will want to be my best mate forever. We do things together as best mates such going on walks, bike rides, romantic dinners and the movies. We work and play together as a team.
How can you love your future woman?
If I can find a woman who can give me the true love that I am seeking, I can give her the same feelings of true love. I shall love her immensely not just by words but in action. I shall care for her and support her during her good times and bad times. A relationship requires two people to put their efforts into the relationship every day. A love relationship is not a game nor is it a part-time job. A loving relationship is a full-time commitment. If the woman is not up to giving a full-time commitment, then I am not interested.
Where will you find your true love?
My future loving partner could be living next door, she could be in the workforce, she could be down at the beach or practically anywhere.
My tactics for finding true love will centre upon rebuilding my social life through two methods – socialisation at events and friends plus using dating sites. The first method will involve connecting with my old social network of friends and letting them know that I am back into civilian life. I shall use this opportunity to meet up with them at social events and ask them if they know of any single women who are looking for a partner.
The second method will be to advertise myself as being available on dating websites. This method can be time consuming and expensive. I am aware that there may be fakes on these websites, but I am going to be cautious and take precautionary care.
Conclusion
There is chance for military personnel to find true love after they retire. Life in the military is significantly different from civilian life. Regardless of age, Tim has shown us the key elements that a military person (man or woman) should undergo which are mainly being able to transition from military to civilian life before seeking true love. The key ingredients to a successful transition are (a) to overcome the emotional and mental baggage, (b) lay their own foundations of finding a place to live and (c) gaining a secure job before consideration should be given to finding true love.
By Kathy Edwards
